Emotions Are Reactive
a guest post from dear friend-of-the-blog Kester
Imagine that you (like most humans who lived between the years of 2000 BC and 1910 AD) live in a society where carts are commonly pulled by horses. One day, you see a man on the side of the road with two horses hitched to a cart. The man appears to be stuck: the horses and the cart are not moving. The man knows that something has to be done. So, he starts pleading with the cart to move forward, explaining carefully what he needs it to do. But the cart doesn't move. Next, he bribes the cart with snacks and treats. But the cart still doesn't move. Finally, he gets out a whip and starts beating the cart.
Meanwhile, the horses are standing there, thinking, "ok, bro... you do you."
My friends, I am sorry to tell you that YOU ARE THIS MAN if you have ever tried to get something done by changing how you feel about it. Emotions can't be changed, they can only be observed. Emotions are inherently reactive; they follow a situation like a cart follows a horse. Trying to change your situation by changing your emotions simply does not work.
If you are stuck on something and can't move forward, the logic of procrastination goes like this: "Until I fix X, I can't do Y." For chronic procrastinators, X is usually an emotion. We think,
"I have to feel inspired and passionate before I start writing my novel."
"I'm too nervous to ask that person out on a date, I need to calm down first."
"When I feel more confident, I will apply for a new job."
"I need to be in the mood to clean the kitchen before I clean the kitchen."
These people are all pleading with the cart to move forward.
If you're the kind of person who suppresses bad emotions and fantasizes about all the good emotions you COULD feel in the future (but don't feel yet), that's bribing the cart with snacks.
If you think, "I am a horrible, weak-willed worthless person for feeling scared, embarrassed, sad and uncertain!" then you are beating the cart with a whip. You might push the cart into a ditch this way, but you will certainly not get it to roll down the road.
Ok, so what about the horses in this metaphor? What actually pulls the cart? Willpower? Rationality? The power of Cosmic Manifestation? I'm sorry to once again be the bearer of bad news, but no, no, and no. The only things that have the power to move the cart forward are 1. YOUR ACTUAL PHYSICAL BODY and 2. YOUR REAL-LIFE IN-PERSON COMMUNITY.
That's because change and forward momentum can only begin in reality, and not in the world of thoughts. If you want to change something, you have to move your body and/or be around different people in a different way. These horses pull because they actually exist on the physical plane.
For those of us who love the life of the mind, this might be a tough lesson. But remember, our rational self is still important. It's the man sitting in the cart. He's trying to get somewhere and do some things! And I suppose if we continue the metaphor, our thoughts and willpower are the reins, the treats, and even the whip. We just have to make sure we are applying our willpower to the horses and not the cart.
Almost all change begins in the body and our physical input. That's why the food we eat (healthy or unhealthy), the exercise and sleep we get (too much or not enough), and our sensory experiences (restoring or draining) are the main predictor of our success and emotional wellbeing.
If you are interested in spiritual wellbeing, all the great spiritual traditions prove my point. You begin with physical actions like sitting, breathing, chanting, singing, meeting in groups, serving the poor. The enlightenment comes after a long physical pilgrimage in the same direction.
The other source of actual change is being around other people. Humans are social primates. This is an unavoidable aspect of our evolutionary path. We aren't meant to solve our problems alone. Choosing who you talk to and spend time with is crucial to steering your life. This is why so many people's lives went off the rails during covid lockdown. An activity that feels impossible alone can become 10x easier when you are doing it in a partnership or group, or even just with a friend sitting nearby.
There is a massive benefit that comes from emotions being reactive: they are the best way to test if what you're doing is working or not. Emotions are a signalling system from ourselves to ourselves. You sit on your seat on the cart and you look around and see where the horses have taken you. Is it a better place or a worse place than where you started? Does hanging out with this friend make me feel encouraged, or do they make me feel like crap? Did changing my sleep schedule make me feel happier during the day? Does volunteering really help with depression? When you sincerely check in with your emotions and take them seriously, you will discover some surprising paths to fulfillment and success. And maybe your path is totally different from someone else's! We've all heard the phrase "Follow Your Joy", but I think it's more accurate to say "See What Actions Joy Follows." This is an important distinction, especially when you are just starting to get yourself out of a ditch.
Historical note: other dudes, like Plato and Freud, have also used similar metaphors about charioteers, horses and riders, etc. They are all wrong, and I would be happy to go back in time and fight them!! (Although, if you read the entirety of the Phaedrus, where Plato introduces us to the allegory of the charioteer, you will find that he actually agrees with me more than he disagrees, especially about the power of in-person community.)
Questions for commentators: What is your worst, most life ruining "I need to feel X before I do Y" procrastination logic? (Mine is, I need to feel zero pride before I share something with other people, or else I'm just "showing off." Gah! So toxic!) On the positive side, what's the body or community thing you choose to do that changes your life most effectively? Have you ever had a sensory input that you didn't know was bothering you, and then when you changed that sensory input, your emotions about everything else immediately improved? If so, please describe!